America Has Spoken: Blondes With Big Boobs, Please! No Self-Immolating Lefties


America has spoken.

As this country teeters on the brink, as bottoms running the government film gay sex in our hallowed institutions, as Doritos, the cheesy staple of the American party, is forced to fire their child-diddling trans-fluencer, Americans are craving normalcy. Ice-cold beer on a Friday night with some Toby Keith playing on the stereo (RIP). Golden retrievers named Buster. A blonde bird named Sydney Sweeney.

Yes, Americans want to look at and discuss the immensely talented bombshell coming off the heels of her first SNL appearance. Do they care about the substance of her performance, her monologue, the jokes, how it will affect her career? Of course not. It doesn’t matter. What matters is that a video of Sydney Sweeney in a Hooters uniform now exists on the internet.