Conspiracy Discovered at University of Missouri


by Kip Hansen at

Although hidden from the public for years—hidden in plain sight yet invisible to most—a deep and dangerous conspiracy has been operating in America for generations, possibly since its founding. 

Only in the last few weeks has this pernicious conspiracy been brought to light by the brave actions of  Henderick “Mort” Morton  who founded a society at the University of Missouri to expose and combat the conspiring malefactors.   Carrying a sign in the University’s  “Speakers Circle”  declaring “NOT A CULT. I PROMISE”  Mort has  been recruiting  members to society, which he founded and is the president of.

The Maneater, the official student newspaper of the University, quotes Mort saying:

“Call us crazy if you want,” Morton said. “We are serious about what we do. We are dedicated to the cause.” 

The first meeting of the Society drew over sixty students, a standing- room-only crowd which had to use a meeting room reserved in the name of another student organization, the Philanthropy Club, while the newly founded Society applies for official recognition. 

The “Squirrel Observation Society is investigating the goals and motives of squirrels in an effort to end their “tyranny.”

“During the meeting, Morton presented a slideshow with squirrels edited into historical photos, explaining that squirrels have been responsible for many past tragedies. Barely stifled laughter filled the room as Morton displayed photos of squirrels edited next to dinosaurs or in the background of the “Washington Crossing the Delaware” painting.”

“I really enjoyed the squirrels whenever I first came to campus, but they brought up some good points tonight,” Patton said.


“There’s something up with them.”

“Look around you … Faculty leave, deans retire, students graduate but one thing always stays: a permanent, undying brigade of squirrels always here and forever silently watching.”